I recently had a parent come up to me at the end of a two-day Basic class in Verbal Judo and ask: “ Doc, there is so much here that is great for home use it’s overwhelming!  Is there one thing above all you can leave me with to take back?”

I thought for a moment and then said, “Yes.  If you and your spouse could operate from one principle with your teenagers it would be this: ‘LET THEIR ATTITUDES DRIFT, FOCUS ONLY ON THEIR BEHAVIOR!’

Indeed, this principle should be followed with kids of all ages, but with teenagers it is critical.  Consider, a boy cannot become a man, or a girl a woman, that they do not have to test their power against the adult. Conflict is natural and right for strength to develop, kind of like lifting weights to strengthen the arms and legs!

Let me give you one of my “Peace Stories.” Years ago my son Taylor, at 15, entered the ‘depth of adolescence’ when I reminded him to take the garbage cans to the curb prior to leaving for a party.  This was one of his “jobs” at home. Apparently already SET THE CONTEXT running late, he snapped, “Hey Dad, do it yourself!  I’m late and you’re not in a wheel chair!”
Do you know what words came up my throat and almost came out! Instead, having just returned from teaching a class in Verbal Judo, I shoved the “natural language” back down and instead: ‘Taylor, remember your contract with us.  We all agreed this was one of your jobs to help the family, and I can see from your reaction you are growing into manhood, but let me tell you something about being a man—a man always keeps his word! So, just do it, ok?

Such an approach had worked before with him, but not this time. “Hey, I’m late! I’m dressed to go out! Do it yourself! I’m out of here!”

I then created and presented OPTIONS: “ Taylor, you have some good OPTIONS here. You only have to see that the cans get to the curb. You don’t have to get dirty.  John, next door is home.  Pay him five bucks.  Kelley (his sister) is inside the house…pay her three, or better yet, pay me two and I’ll drag ‘em to the curb! Come on, pay up!”

Money being tight back then, he grumbled and grumbled but decided to take the cans to the curb—with his bad attitude! He did what I wanted (behavior) but retained his ATTITUDE!

I had used the first three of the five steps of Persuasion—material for my next article! But notice.  By NOT REACTING to his bad attitude, by letting it DRIFT BY, I did not say things I could never take back! Words like, “Don’t you talk that way to me! Watch your mouth! You want to live here you keep a civil tongue, etc!!!! You know, it could be even worse!

Instead, I ASKED, I SET CONTEXT and I presented OPTIONS . I let those three steps discipline my response!  Cans got to the curb and I saved myself.

But, you ask, what about that kind of attitude, don’t you have to address it?  YES, LATER!  One of my “Laws” is, “Never address attitude while it’s being enacted; address it later when absent!”

The next day Taylor and I were outside doing lawn work and at one point I said to him: “Taylor, you know, we do need to chat about last night.” And he said, “Yeah, Dad, I know.  I blew it!  Sorry I acted that way!”  I said, “Ok, just try to control it a bit more, ok? Remember, treating people with Respect is what we have always stressed, and it all begins here at home!”

Lessons are clear:

1) If you let attitude drift, and focus only on the behavior, your child can save face and so can you! If you address it, h/she is forced to battle to preserve it! If you address it using your natural language of anger you will say things that cut deep and perhaps fester for years! And, the battle will continue to rage, then and later! This is one reason why many sons and fathers—and daughters and mothers— grow painfully apart in these troubled years.

2) Address bad attitude later, under calmer conditions, and both of you profit. He can apologize without losing personal face and you have set a powerful example of how to handle difficulty! It is crucial for parents to repeatedly model good behavior for their children and this Let Attitude Drift Principle can save you over and over!  Use it!